A True Story Of “Triumph Over Tragedy”

As Told To Nan Carpenter

The poem below was actually written as a suicide note by a pastor whose wife had abandoned him and their three children because she no longer wanted to live the life of a pastor's wife. I had the privilege to pray with one of his daughters during a campmeeting service and afterwards she told me the story of her father and gave me a copy of this poem he had written in his moment of despair.

I have kept it for years as a constant reminder that at some point in life, we all share the feelings of David when he declared “I looked on my right hand, and beheld, but there was no man that would know me: refuge failed me; no man cared for my soul. I cried unto thee, O LORD: I said, Thou art my refuge and my portion in the land of the living. Attend unto my cry; for I am brought very low: deliver me from my persecutors; for they are stronger than I.” (Psalm 142:3-5,6a). Every pastor's wife has entertained the thought of “I Quit” in response to painful circumstances encountered while doing ministry!

However, it is important that you know the “rest of the story” because this young lady went on to say that while her father was writing this poem as his suicidal farewell, the Holy Spirit overwhelmed his heart, reassured him of the power of his heavenly Father's love and the efficacy of His sustaining grace. Her dad picked up the broken pieces of his life and is today the successful pastor of a very large church whose three adult children are all in the ministry. (The daughter who gave me this poem was a Praise/Worship leader.) It is apparent that this pastor not only experienced David's discouragement but also experienced the blessing of restoration and renewal expressed by David in Psalm 34 when he proclaimed, “ I will bless the LORD at all times: his praise shall continually be in my mouth. My soul shall make her boast in the LORD: the humble shall hear thereof, and be glad. O magnify the LORD with me, and let us exalt his name together. I sought the LORD, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears. (Ps 34:1-4 - KJV)

My prayer is that in your times of discouragement, you too will be reminded by the Holy Spirit that you are a “person of destiny” who was born to carry out a strategic assignment on behalf of God's kingdom! You are not who people say you are, want you to be, or try to make you become. You are not even who you think you are. YOU ARE WHO AND WHAT GOD HAS DECLARED YOU TO BE! You are a princess, embarked on a mission and empowered by God! Like Queen Esther of old, you have come to the Kingdom “for such a time as this”!

I QUIT!

Father, forgive me, I don't know what else to do
I've tried to live the life, and failed, so that's it, I quit, I'm through.

Lord, I tried so hard, to love those around me,
But God, I can't continue, when they totally reject me.

And I tried to be a servant, to be in submission each day,
But I'm not real good at serving, Lord, so I guess, at that, I failed.

But, Lord, You said in Your Word, you'd bring life, abundant and free
I guess that only applies to others, because it sure doesn't apply to me!

I don't have the peace and joy, you promised in my life to bring
My heart is broken and torn in two, and it has no reason to sing.

See God, I just don't understand, show me where I've gone so wrong,
I've really tried to live for You, all of my life long.

But I just don't seem to get anywhere, through life's struggles and all,
So before I throw up my hands and quit, on Your name once more, I call.

“My son,” He said, in a voice so calming, still, and small
“I've had to stand idly by, until on my name you call.”

“I know what it feels like,” he said, “To be rejected by people, you see,
For when I walked upon the earth, they also rejected me.

“And yes, I know, serving is hard when everyone wants to be served,
There are times you feel it's your turn, you earned it, it's what you deserve.

“My son, I know your struggles in the world in which you live.
That's why I also promised you, of my Spirit and power to give.

“But as long as you thought you could handle it alone
I've had to stand and watch you fall, until you were willing to be shown

“That I ask or expect nothing, that I want to do for you
I don't ask you to perform, just to let me live through you.

“And now, my son, you're right, you've been through quite a bit
But things will be better now, since I heard you say, 'I quit!'”